Dynamics of Choice: an excerpt

In the midst of making a series of major interconnected decisions that could dramatically alter the shape of my life, I scribbled this in my (other) journal:

To dwell in the wake of decision—delicious. To feel the ripples and impact of the entire ‘being’s’ attempt to shape reality, even while accepting the pieces of it which are fixed.

A particular quality and sensation is evoked by walking through a specific doorway of decision. Not any other doorway: this doorway, which leads to this course of specific (and initially unknowable) experience. How incredibly luscious, that we get to be cleaved into Time this way. Broken by Time (it’s clock) into Time (its quality). The chosen path given substance and weight—a palpable viscosity which comes with commitment—by the exclusion of alternatives. There is something deeply sensuous in the act of choosing—exerting one’s preferences. Moving internal desire into external action. Choice seems to be the seam wherein reality is sewn together.

If I attempt to reach back further even, behind the moment of decision, then I might encounter the push and pull of sensations which themselves are not of my own choosing. They walk in and out of me, often leaving deep imprints in their wake.; leading me into what feels more and more like a plot unfolding through me.

From the perspective of Vedic Astrology, it is these karmas in the form of sensation which are truly the ‘deciders..’ They create an internal environment (in the form of sensation) which tends to lead to a certain type of thought and then behavior. So we are all predisposed to act in certain ways at certain times based on the alignment of the stars and planets at our moment of birth. But to be present for the fructification of a moment and its concomitant quality of time is truly a gift.

We can move closer and closer to this form of presence by understanding, deeply, our predispositions. As the gap between your image of who you are and who you actually are closes, the experience of life moves from that of a violent roller coaster to a scenic drive through the mountains. The question of free will, of who is deciding, becomes irrelevant, because the taste of presence in the sensations as the path unfolds is so overwhelmingly delicious.

The Relativity of Evil

Recent events, spurned by recent transits—particularly of the Scorpio type—have brought me repeatedly face to face with what I’ve tried to avoid, both in the collective and in my personal life as well. But the avoidance had been so thick and routine that I didn’t recognize it. This is mirrored in the collective as well, in my little town, where everyone seems to be trying really hard to do ‘good',’ perhaps without being honest with the reality of the moment. This is like building a ‘Fun Park’ right beside a homeless shelter. If we saw what was going on at the homeless shelter we wouldn’t be so quick to build the structures for manicured enjoyment. This place, like many places, have a shadow that can go unacknowledged even among the apparently ‘spiritual’ community, which can be so bent on running toward the light that they don’t see their own toxic aversion to the dark.

In my own life to, I have at times paved over unpleasantness with a righteous quest for enjoyment and inspiration, not realizing I would eventually run into a dead end if that quest was not congruent with reality; not attached to a genuine root. What initially appeared to me as unwanted events and circumstances (some of which still appear that way to me) take on a more beneficent countenance when in retrospect I saw that they woke me out of my slumber. These were the ‘evil’ factors that seemed to stall my life—injuries, chaos in the home, family health issues—which stopped me in my tracks which were leading me off course, away from Nature. More and more it seems to me that these difficulties are Nature’s way of steering us back towards ourselves. This can be more or less accessible at different times in life, in different planetary periods. And the particular challenges will depend on the qualities of the planets we are under the influence of, providing different access points to our personal shadow—all that is just out of view for us.

There is a song by David Sylvian called “The Banality of Evil.” One line of lyrics goes like this:

There was a time
Not so long ago
I was master of everything I surveyed
Yes, there was a time
We did it my way
We'll do things my way

This sums up pretty well the insistence that the stars are giving us an opportunity to release. Scorpio is brimming with resources right now, and this is the sign of what is hidden, unseen, ‘dark’ and generally repulsive—including patterns which we not awake to. it is the compost pile, from whose eventual soil food can grow. Now is compost time. But if not enough heat is applied in this direction then the soil won’t be fertile. The particular type of heat that is required is one of attentive curiosity. Even in regard to the aversion we might be curious. What does it feel like? How do we feel inside it? Does it live in a particular place in our body, or a specific thought pattern?

That aversion is coming to offer a gift, to open a doorway. To receive entrance to the locked gate one must accept the reality of the aversion without trying to change it. This is how evil loses its charge. The word devil has roots in ‘diablos’ which means to ‘throw apart.’ it is a separative energy, which is not inherently evil. it’s the dynamic forces of coming together and moving apart, after all, which create the separation necessary for love and longing, and give us the diversity of our seasons—themselves an expression of nature’s longing.

This is a time we could all practice transferring our sense of ‘mastery’ from bulldozing the path we’ve decided is right into mastery of congruence with reality. Instead of deciding what ‘your way’ is, ask and witness what it actually is. How are you operating? Stay with that for a while. You might surprise yourself by becoming comfortable there.

Note: if this subject matter is interesting to you, feel free to email me at maggiehippman@gmail.com about an upcoming meditation course I’ll be teaching (starts 1/27) which delves deeply into the techniques that can make this approach very accessible.

Crawling out of the Underworld

I think it is appropriate that as I sat down to write this newest journal entry I found that the “journal” page on my website had disappeared. Just as the light weans toward the center of darkness on approach to the winter solstice, are stripped of attachments We have been, and are being whittled down to the essentials—whether materially, psychologically or spiritually. This is the pull of nature, which exerts its influence on us without our necessarily recognizing it.

The Sun passed through the deepest part of the mythological underworld yesterday, on the winter solstice—that day of least light. But the Moon offered an interesting twist, being nearly full. Generally the solstice drives us toward introspection, consolidation of energy in preparation for the coming demands of one’s deepest resources (which are required, naturally, to haul oneself out of the underworld). But in the darkness the Moon provided its own reflective light. The Moon, representing the mind and emotional life in its state of fullness allows the mind to see into the darkness. It is like a secret flame in the mysterious territory of the underworld, or unconscious. This could have allowed some interesting glimpses into unconscious operating patterns or sticky places in the psychology, as well as intuitive insights into how one must proceed on their way out of darkness.

The underworld is the unconscious is the fertility of both the earth and the human psyche, from which all life derives. it is not a place to be avoided. its darkness, weight and aversive filth are necessary ingredients for growth of any kind. And that apex of the underworld, which the Sun pushed through yesterday, is generally the point in the story where the objective that was sought after (which the hero had to go to great lengths to find) was finally recovered. But still, the gift has to survive the remaining threats of a world which lives by rules which may differ from the ‘light’ world.

So whatever you have your hands, or you mind, or your heart grasped around right now which you are hoping to grow from seed, take care in the coming months to continue to protect it. In the stories, generally little bits of this sacred treasure must be sacrificed to the hungry mouths of the underworld, which is the case with any creative project. An idea in imagination must relinquish some of its magic to take form in the material world. But its essence can remain intact if we are careful to stay true to the place it came from.

In this world we live in, especially, which seems to look more and more like a living underworld, we must take care to stay in close contact with our true nature and whatever it wants to create. The Sun’s position in the sign of Sagittarius suggests that the treasure of this underworld journey is found in the indications of this 9th sign of the zodiac. This is dharma (or path), principles that one will fight for, teachers and guides and clarity of purpose. Sagittarius is especially equipped to fight the ‘good’ battle, with its symbol being half human, half horse. The body of a horse begets immense strength and endurance, and the human upper body holds the consciousness which allows it to choose a direction.

So. From here, holding some precious thing in our hands or hearts, we decide how to move forward and into the daylight world where our gift can grow. And we resolve to not let the remaining threats of the underworld (which could be doubts that surface, or unresolved issues of the unconscious which can cause us to self sabotage, the naysayers of the world who are threatened by anyone who goes against the grain) steer us from our path, which—being related to Sagittarius—is for the benefit not just of oneself, but of the world at large.